Author: Cartwheel

  • Calgary Man Wanted For Ambulance Theft, Vandalism

    Calgary Man Wanted For Ambulance Theft, Vandalism

    Hey, everyone, this has very little to do with Aspecticor but I saw this on my feed and it really bothered me so I thought I’d do the least I could and inform you site-goers about this.

    On Monday, the 23rd at 3:30 AM, CCTV footage from Alberta Children’s Hospital showed a white male between 5′ 4″ and 5′ 8″ in a blue and beige splotchy sweatshirt with text on the front shatter a window, and climb in. Shortly after a similar figure would be seen exiting the premises in an ambulance parked there hours earlier.

    The only witness, the 12-year old brother of a patient, says he witnessed a “red-haired man sing a song about putting lights on a tree” and another about “working on night moves.” He noted the sweatshirt said “HIMBO” on it, in big letters. “This seems antithetical,” said the boy, shortly before bursting into tears, “Himbos don’t do that!”

    Alberta Police claim the sweatshirt in question was not purchased by many people from the storefront it originated from, hopefully making the search easier.

    The ambulance is to date still missing.

  • Does Aspecticor Have Any Integrity Left?

    Does Aspecticor Have Any Integrity Left?

    Columnist Cartwheel76 compares Aspecticor’s use of the “Freelancer Items” Peacock Plugin to doping in professional sports.

    DOES ANYONE know where to find the freelancer items mod

    … wrote Aspecticor in the #hitman text channel in his Discord server.

    One hour later, I, yes, me, I, myself, would forward the link for it. I knew what it was for, I knew his plans, and I still gave it to him.

    I was the Emma O’Reilly to Aspecticor’s Lance Armstrong.

    Is this my L.A. Confidentiel?

    The Peacock plugin allows users to play Freelancer without having to grind for items. In fact, it allows you to not have to acquire items at all. You can lose items mid-run and return to them in your safehouse. This is a clear violation of gamer’s integrity, as any YouTube commenter will tell you.

    It saves time? Sure. So does doping in the Tour de France. Does it make for a better viewer experience? Sure. I’m sure the Peter Thiel funded “Enhanced Games” will be a nice watch. Also, a bit funny this is coming from the same streamer who added a wheel spin that made him not talk for 10 minutes, the pinnacle of user retention.

    Was it worth it? Stripping your integrity? Leaving yourself vulnerable to YouTube commenters? The latter of which is likely worse than any poisoning of the blood doping drugs can do to you.

    A.B. Confidentiel comes to bookshelves in June, courtesy of La Martinière Publishing.

  • (EXCLUSIVE) Aspecticor To Pen Final Mini Crossword of Season

    (EXCLUSIVE) Aspecticor To Pen Final Mini Crossword of Season

    UPDATE: Nevermind lol

    Crossword outsourcing has officially gone too far.

    Before The Aspecticor Times Mini Crossword crosses the #100 mark and moves into a new era, livestreamer Aspecticor has attached himself to write the 100th mini crossword published by The Aspecticor Times.

    Aspecticor’s representative agency, known for representing figures such as Kyle Rittenhouse and Jimmy Carr, announced the deal this week following his successful Hitman Freelancer Silent Assassin run. They capped their press release off with a cross-promotion, unrelated to Aspecticor:

    Amazon Prime Video’s ‘LOL: Last One Laughing’ has returned for Series Two. Hosted by Jimmy Carr and Roisin Conaty, the show follows ten comedians in a last-man-standing Try Not To Laugh challenge for the ages. The first contestant to laugh is killed. Let’s hope it’s not David Mitchell!

    When reached for comment, Jimmy Carr denied involvement with Aspecticor and his agency, but confirmed he was working with Rittenhouse.