Author: Cartwheel

The studio behind critically-acclaimed films such as ‘Sound of Freedom’ (2023) and ‘Animal Farm’ (2026) has greenlit a film directed by and starring ‘The Most Illegal Kill in Hitman’ content-creator Aspecticor.

The film’s logline reads:

Following several oil robberies by extremist French-Canadians in small town Alberta, Boris (Aspecticor) and Mr. Flame (Kevin O’Leary in his sophomore flick) go on a violent, but justified, path of revenge to stop the Francophonic and Ontario bastards from taking our freedoms away.

Director Aspecticor, who asked to be called “Directicor,” says he’s aiming for an IMAX 70mm release for the project.

The project is slated for a January 2027 release, “not on a Sunday, so the Christian people can attend and scare those homosexuals away” said the livestreamer.

After an ambush interview at a local Anti-Cinéma (That’s French for “Anti-Cinema”) protest, Canadian livestreamer Aspecticor made clear that he “don’t not [sic] fuck with that movie shit.”

“If I wanted to see a guy pretend to be a guy I’d just pretend to be the guy pretending to be the guy pretending to be the guy” said the videogamer, wearing a Guy Fawkes mask painted green. “I’m Shrek. See how stupid that shit is? Fuck you Mike Myers.”

He was seen amongst a slew of other protesters holding signs that said things like “CanCon should ban ALL MOVIES. Foreign and Canadian.” and “EXILE JACOB TREMBLAY.”

Aspecticor was promptly arrested by an RCMP officer for shouting “if they want to shoot films so bad why don’t we shoot THEM?” as he pointed at CBC employees walking to work.

They are broaching our barricades. God help us all. If any one is out there just know we fought for the truth. We fought for what’s right. Berta Proud Dad just threw a molotov through my office. To my dead ex-husband who I did NOT kill, I’m sorry for killing you. To my sons, stop with that Playstation shit we’re an XBOX FAMILY!

Aspecticor, real name Stokeley Clevon Goulbourne, is set to visit the well-known ‘Luigi’s Mansion from Luigi’s Mansion’ Mansion. The Mansion has no relation to the Nintendo franchise.

Local priest Priest From Fleabag, who has no relation to the priest character in the Phoebe Waller-Bridge-created series ‘Fleabag’ will join him.

Michael Richards will make a guest appearance as well. There is relation there, actually.

(NOT FOR PUBLISHING UNTIL DEATH HAS BEEN THOROUGHLY CONFIRMED)

The ‘Glizzy Conscience’ and ‘How Speedrunners Broke Meet Your Maker’ star Andrew JNCO-JEANS Wells, known online by his gamertag “Aspecticor” has been pronounced dead by the Canadian Ministry of (WHATEVER LIKELY-NON MEDICAL BRANCH OF GOVERNMENT RECONSTRUCTS HIS BODY).

The livestreamer and videogamer was beloved for his various impressions, including of ‘Soprano’ characters, movie stars, and the Chinese.

He will be laid to rest at, as his public will dictates, “the Shaganappi Golf Course, or as I like to call it the “Shaggalicous Baby!” Course. Hey, can the guy who was in that one Austin Powers movie and made Outer Wilds come to my funeral? Oh wait, yeah, sorry I forgot I wrote 3 pages ago I didn’t want a funeral, I want a “FUNeral.” We party here what can I say? I was serious about the weed thing if I hear that you didn’t bring that good loud to my burial I’m killing Christ in heaven. I’ll fuck this whole system up, boy. Hey does anyone want to come to my funeral, oh I FORGOT, you CAN’T. You can’t come to my funeral because […]”

He recites that woman’s video for several more pages, getting things slightly more wrong every iteration.

When reached for comment, former friend and Department of Transportation Secretary Brandon Ewing said “he came to my house one time wearing that one color-block sweatshirt Jarvis Johnson made and kept asking me to facetime him and got really mad at me when I didn’t.”