(NOT FOR PUBLISHING UNTIL DEATH HAS BEEN THOROUGHLY CONFIRMED)
The ‘Glizzy Conscience’ and ‘How Speedrunners Broke Meet Your Maker’ star Andrew JNCO-JEANS Wells, known online by his gamertag “Aspecticor” has been pronounced dead by the Canadian Ministry of (WHATEVER LIKELY-NON MEDICAL BRANCH OF GOVERNMENT RECONSTRUCTS HIS BODY).
The livestreamer and videogamer was beloved for his various impressions, including of ‘Soprano’ characters, movie stars, and the Chinese.
He will be laid to rest at, as his public will dictates, “the Shaganappi Golf Course, or as I like to call it the “Shaggalicous Baby!” Course. Hey, can the guy who was in that one Austin Powers movie and made Outer Wilds come to my funeral? Oh wait, yeah, sorry I forgot I wrote 3 pages ago I didn’t want a funeral, I want a “FUNeral.” We party here what can I say? I was serious about the weed thing if I hear that you didn’t bring that good loud to my burial I’m killing Christ in heaven. I’ll fuck this whole system up, boy. Hey does anyone want to come to my funeral, oh I FORGOT, you CAN’T. You can’t come to my funeral because […]”
He recites that woman’s video for several more pages, getting things slightly more wrong every iteration.
When reached for comment, former friend and Department of Transportation Secretary Brandon Ewing said “he came to my house one time wearing that one color-block sweatshirt Jarvis Johnson made and kept asking me to facetime him and got really mad at me when I didn’t.”