Author: Cartwheel

  • Here’s How Aspecticor Can Still Win

    Here’s How Aspecticor Can Still Win

    Nominations ended in November, and the award ceremony happened in December, but that does not mean the show is over.

    If we “remove” enough of the competition, perhaps the award will be given retroactively to other people enough times the Golden Peepo will land in Aspecticor’s hands. We just have to hope the line of succession isn’t too long.

    Looking back at the winners and nominees for Speedrun Streamer of the Year does make me feel a little bad, unfortunately the winner of Hidden Gem is a nice older woman who does puzzles. Kind of fucked up, Aspecticor, to endorse this article under this context?

  • The Aspecticor Times Mini #108: Egg On

  • The Aspecticor Times Mini #107: Good Friday

  • (EXCLUSIVE) Livestreamer ‘Aspecticor’ To Play Mike Myers in Biopic

    (EXCLUSIVE) Livestreamer ‘Aspecticor’ To Play Mike Myers in Biopic

    Livestream “star” Andrew “Aspecticor” Will is tapped to play the ‘Austin Powers’ and ‘Shrek’ star in a yet untitled biopic directed by Will Arnett in his feature film directorial debut. Or do I mean Will Forte? I keep confusing those two…

    The film will focus on Myers’ time as a young up-and-coming comic in Canada.

    This may be an explanation as to why Will was arrested in February for crimes related to harassment of a German couple in Calgary, where he reported shouted “like Sprockets! The Mike Myers SNL sketch! Oooohhhhhh Will’s gonna love this! Did you know I’m on a first name basis with Will Arnett, or Forte, one of those two!?”

  • It Is Wrong to Shoot Aspecticor With a Tranquilizer Dart, Mr. Prime Minister

    It Is Wrong to Shoot Aspecticor With a Tranquilizer Dart, Mr. Prime Minister

    Following the news, that we’re all well aware of, that Aspecticor will be shot with a high-dosage tranquilizer, I would like to point out all the rhetorical fallacies that the current Liberal Party government has made to justify their decision.

    Appeal to Tradition

    I know the Canadian government has shot that bitter night-night juice at a variety of citizens every year since 1982, but it is still wrong.

    False Dilemma

    No, Mr. Carney, we would not have to kill Aspecticor if we end the Tranq program, we shouldn’t be doing anything to Aspecticor.

    Cum Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc

    Can you say that?

    Appeal to Carney

    Honest I have a hard time with this too. The mandate of heaven is in your hands Mark.

    Guilt by Association

    Just because Aspecticor’s all buddy buddy with some folks at the Daily Wire does not mean he should be tranq’d.

    Ad Hominem

    Please stop calling me a “hacky crossword constructor” Carney. I’m crying now. Are you happy?

    Cum Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc

    Stop saying that. I don’t want to say it. Am I allowed to say this term?

    Confirmation Bias

    Just because a few other Tranq’d individuals were found by a bystander quick enough to not face long-term health problems, doesn’t mean Aspecticor won’t. Given his schedule he’s likely to be at home when it happens, Mr. Carney.

  • The Aspecticor Times Mini #106: Joke’s On Me

  • (EXCLUSIVE) Columbia to Produce ‘Concussion’ Remake But It’s About Queen’s University Rocket League. Smith to Return

    (EXCLUSIVE) Columbia to Produce ‘Concussion’ Remake But It’s About Queen’s University Rocket League. Smith to Return

    With a script by… uh… Max Landis… woah that took a dive really quickly. I’m sorry that took me really by surprise. This is our Trans Day of Visibility article? Christ.

    Well, the logline reads:

    Following the rough failure of Queen’s University’s Rocket League B-Team early in the season, forensic pathologist Bennet Omalu (Smith) takes it upon himself to declare the entire team brain-dead, despite them clearly being alive.

    Well that certainly looks the part of a Landis work. Sorry, everyone.

  • The Aspecticor Times Mini #105: You Want Cities You Know? Here!

  • The Aspecticor Times Mini #104: Dish It Out

  • Why Aspecticor Should Listen To MY Blue Prince Advice

    Why Aspecticor Should Listen To MY Blue Prince Advice

    Columnist Cartwheel76, who has never played Blue Prince and has paid very little attention to Aspecticor’s gameplay, makes his case for why it’s not backseating, bro. I was just asking a question. Broooo you’re so sensitive. Brooooo XD.

    Bro. Hold on. Red apple reversed is Elppa der. Try that. Aspecticor try that. @Aspecticor what is that flag behind you. Is it box number two? Bro your mods are so soft. I was just wondering. You should do hitman in real life. When is hitman horse. Do you mind if i go on a several messages long humorous diatribe about Sean Combs. Hitman in real life when. Wow hitman looks really different today. hey! can i ask a question? i’m an artist and i make emotes and design overlays, here’s my discord. when is hitman in real life.