Author: Cartwheel
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Horrifying: Aspecticor Times Truck Turns Over, Millions in Sérum d’Aspect Fragrance Ruined.
Following the worldwide-celebrated announcement of Sérum d’Aspect, an Aspecticor Times truck turned over in the middle of the road while trying to veer into a deer.
Police say they tried desperately to save the fragrance bottles, but ambulances blocked salvation efforts by wheeling out injured and deceased motorists.
A vigil will be had for the lost product in the streets of Ottawa, Kansas.
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How Can I Destroy Aspecticor’s Personal Life?
After yesterday’s revelation of my pure unbridled power, and Aspecticor’s ignoring of The Aspecticor Times website, I have decided to destroy Aspecticor’s personal life.
My first idea is to flood every GIF keyboard service with disparaging animated images with the “Aspecticor” tag, as it was revealed on Tuesday that Aspecticor’s offline friends discovered the ones I’ve already added.
I could also of course use my channels of this website, TAT’s social media accounts, and our sister YouTube, to propagate slanderous information calibrated to be as relevant as I can get to his real life.
“Streamer Drunkenly Attacks Virtual Caddy at Indoor Golf Facility” might be a good start. Should I tag Glizzy Golf? Maybe “Man Arrested for Impersonating Spice Shop Employee?”
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Introducing: Sérum d’Aspect
A collaboration between The Aspecticor Times and the chemical engineers at Kraft Heinz, we are happy to announce our new fragrance Sérum d’Aspect.
With base notes of freshly trimmed golf course grass, middle notes of steamed tortellini, and top notes of just straight Albertan oil, Sérum d’Aspect is a true revolution of olfactory design.
Sérum d’Aspect releases exclusively in all Canadian Tire locations on September 11, 2026.
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Thousands of Cases of Obscure Virus Previously Only Seen In Japanese Fish Populations Reported in Calgary
THIS WAS WRITTEN BEFORE THE MV HONDIUS HANTAVIRUS OUTBREAK WAS WIDESPREAD NATIONAL NEWS
Total panic swept the room as Health Canada officials, some in tears, reported “the worst news [they] could ever bring.”
A representative for Health Canada came to the podium to apologize:
We cannot risk having high ranking government officials outside during this cautionary period, which is why Minister of Health Marjorie Michel will not appear today, despite flying into Calgary earlier today.
Another official, Gary Lance-Couteaux, famous for his Anti-Knife Throwing awareness campaign, came to the podium:
The only way for a human to have contracted this disease is for someone who was in Japan to have eaten, or be near someone who had eaten, fugu fish all fucked up. To be clear, this is not the fault of the cooks of the fugu fish, only the eater, who clearly ate it all fucked up and weird.
Pierre Poilievre, the only Parliament member allowed to be in public, approached the stand in a full hazmat suit:
You’ve doomed us. Whoever you are, you’ve doomed us all. I’ll never get to see my kids grow up. I hate you. We all hate you.
The remaining uninfected military and police force are pooling all their forces into finding and killing Patient Zero. A Requiem of sorts.