Author: Cartwheel
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An Interview With Aspecticor
On Saturday, I was delivering for Uber Eats to pay for my ongoing Canadian pilgrimage and when I got to the place guess who I saw. Aspecticor! He gratefully took the party’s seven bags of Hooters wings and I asked if I could give a quick interview for the Times!
The Interview:
Your friend, Stephen, finished a big project of his with Atrioc in late 2024, how was it seeing that come to fruition?
Aspecticor: Yeah! I’m quite proud of what “Big A” and Stephen Miller were able to do in that election, it was beautiful.
What was your favorite Canadian film of 2025?
Aspecticor: That clip where Pierre Poilievre said he “would be gagged” if he got security clearance but it sounded like he “would be gay.”
Haha, no, but seriously.
Aspecticor: I’m not saying ‘Nirvanna The Band The Show The Movie,’ which you have been talking about far too much in chat. Yes, I am aware the film is streaming on Crave on July 1 for Canadians, and also on Hulu/Disney Plus July 24 for the U.S and Canada as well. Please stop talking about it.
Some in chat have asked, would you consider yourself a “30/70” bisexual?
Aspecticor: Yes, 30-70 is my age range on the apps.
Letterboxd Top 4?
Aspecticor: ‘The Other Guys,’ The first 35 minutes of ‘Food Inc.’ we watched in class before the bell rang, ‘Ricky Gervais: Mortality,’ and the Zapruder film.
You’re a lot taller than I thought you were?
Aspecticor: I got the surgery.
Any games you’d like to speedrun on stream?
Aspecticor: HuniePop, the ‘127 Hours’ DVD menu, fuck you want me to say, man? Can we speedrun this interaction? The weight of these Hooters bags is making my fingers hurt.
Favorite Canadian PM?
Aspecticor: It’s spelt “Favourite” you fucking yank’.
Sorry, haha, sorry to center America too much, haha.
Aspecticor: Are you trying to die tonight? Seriously. It’s “centre.” I will fucking kill you. I’ll do it.
Wow, really sorry, I won’t do it again.
Aspecticor, completely stone-faced: Have you ever shot a gun, boy? One would think some Texas meat like you would’ve. You’ve never taken the life of a creature before, I can tell by your prey eyes. And those weak, boyish hands. You know what?
*Aspecticor hands me a handgun*
Aspecticor: See that deer in the neighbour’s yard over there? Shoot at it.
What?
Aspecticor: ARE YOU FUCKING DEAF?
I really don’t- I really don’t want to-
Aspecticor: DO IT! BE SOMETHING! PUSSY! YOUR FATHER WAS RIGHT ABOU-
*I shoot the gun blindly, dumping the entire extended magazine to the right of me
Aspecticor stares to his left blankly, this silence confuses me. I open my eyes and look towards the direction I fired.
The deer is gone, in its place is another Uber Eats driver, carrying an additional seven bags of Hooters chicken wings. He lays still on the lawn, blood pooling on the back of his white t-shirt.*
Aspecticor: Yeah they don’t let you order that much on the app so we had three people here make separate orders.
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Aspecticor Booked for Meccha Chameleon Lobby With xQc, Destiny, Dane Cook, & More
New streamer- sorry, long-time streamer Aspecticor has struck gold after being invited to an illustrious group lobby in the hide-and-seek smash hit ‘Meccha Chameleon.’
Participating streamers include former Overwatch pro xQc, political commentator Destiny, world famous comedian Dane Cook, YouTube guru Jay Alto, Daily Wire co-founder Ben Shapiro, that guy from Bob’s Burgers who was at January 6, Joe Keery’s character in ‘Spree’ (2020), that one guy who dropped the f-slur on Kai Cenat’s stream, ‘Never Come Down’ singer Jay McCarrol, and more mystery guests! (Let’s just say one of them is quite *disrespectful*)
The lobby is set for July 2nd, “to mourn the anniversary of the passing of the Civil Rights Act and the Voting Rights Act into law” said participant Shapiro.
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Calgary Dentistry Raided for Allegedly Stealing Gum Samples for “Lab Grown Gum-Burgers”
In a dramatic multi-unit siege on a Calgary dentist office just this morning, heaps of evidence were discovered in a newly burst open lab grown gum-burger scandal, the third to hit Alberta this year.
Mountains of documents, equipment, stolen gum samples, and “gum-burgers” were seized by Calgary authorities.
Police are now trying to identify recent patients, whose records were burned before the raid, to alert them of what might have happened with their stolen gum tissue.
Police claimed the criminal dentists would “numb patients so they couldn’t tell their gums were being scraped for tissue.” They also made the observation that “patients’ mouths would be numb even hours later, so the victims couldn’t articulate what may have happened to them before the memory serum got to them.” They did not elaborate on what “memory serum” was.
The Calgary Police Service released many documents following the raid, including this one found under the office’s reception table:
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Echoes of the Same Monster: The Lookalikes of Aspecticor
Over the past few years, I started collecting accusations from chatters and others of people that Aspecticor allegedly looks like. This list is not an endorsement of these claims, some I plainly do not see even a little bit, but if a man sees the devil in the eyes of a passerby, it’s good to record their suspicions anyways.
This is that list, and it will likely be updates in the future.
Cameron Monaghan (Ian Gallagher (Shameless), Cal Kestis (Star Wars Jedi), Jerome (Gotham), Etc.)
The classic.
Will Poulter (Kenny (We’re The Millers), Gally (Maze Runner))
I believe Aspecticor was originally accused of looking like “the kid with the eyebrows.”
Sid (Toy Story)
AspectiSid
Atreus (God of War)
Boy!
“Twink from The Quarry”
I forget who said this but I think it was another streamer?
Alfred E. Neuman (Mad Magazine)
I wish I could be as happy as Alfred E. Neuman.
Skeet Ulrich as Billy Loomis (Scream)
Eeeek!
Mickey Mantle
Oh my god I see it
Unidentified Man from Los Angeles Times January 6 Capitol Riots Footage (Antifa Hoax)
#WAKEUP
Tintin
Wait, that’s his actual name? You can be named that?
Cyclops (X-Men)
Maybe that door greeter was right…
Frank Honey (LEGO City Undercover)
1:1
Thing 1
Uncanny.
Thing 2
Even more uncanny.
CapgunTom
He does FIFA content.
Arctic Grayling
Like a mirror…
Guy Fawkes Mask
#WEAREANONYMOUS
Daryl Sabara (Juni Cortez in Spy Kids)
Does Meghan Trainor get cool spy gadgets?
Noel Fisher (Mickey Milkovich in Shameless)
TWO Shameless cast members?
Eddie Redmayne
ha. red mayne.
Clint Stevens (R.I.P.)
Why is he kinda mogging here
Tom Holland (Lucas in The Impossible, Jip in Dolittle)
Spider-man? huh? This is the guy from Spies in Disguise!
KJ Apa (Archie in Riverdale)
Jimmy Stewart, in the flesh.
Britt Lower as Helly (Severance)
When the innie of the of in the stream chat of in the outie in the game camera.
Jeff Blim as Aladdin (StarKid’s Twisted)
What nerd suggested this?
Manny (Ice Age)
Even got the 9 foot long tusks right!
Chad (Malcom In The Middle)
God-damnit it’s Cameron Monaghan again!!! Fuck!!!
Seth Green
More like Seth Kind-of-reddish
Sir Nigel Thornberry (The Wild Thornberrys)
Smashing!
Machop (Pokémon)
?
Knuckles (Knuckles)
From his favorite game! Sonic Adventure 2!
Mason Thames as Hiccup (How to Train Your Dragon)
Jay Baruchel clears idgaf
Thomas Barbusca
Sure.
Pat Riley
I do not even remotely see it.
Noah Poletiek as Twitch (Holes)
Holes #1 film of all time.
Todd Howard
I see it.
The Hamburglar (McDonald’s)
Now HE has that shit on.
Gossamer (Looney Tunes)
Fuck is this thing?
Syndrome (The Incredibles)
How is he shaped like that?
Aaron Tveit
More like Aaron Theatreit.
Magnus Midtbø
Why’d he cross out the o does he not want it there
Squeeky-Voiced Teen (The Simpsons)
Even got the skin right!
X.com user @bloodandleon
The word spreads.
MaxGGs
Fellow streamer.
Christopher (What Remains of Edith Finch)
You can’t see his face but you can tell.
Cole Caufield
Canadiens? Did they mispell it?
Isaac with this hair (Binding of Isaac)
Uncanny.
Cole Sprouse as Jughead (Riverdale)
“Who names their kid Jughead?” 45,000 likes, 13,000 retweets.
Leprechaun
This feels wrong.
Tim (Braid)
Independent games journalism would be NOTHING without him.
Reddit user u/Scrotiemcboogballs
Horrifying roast. Immoral really.
This guy from like 5 minutes ago
I’m on this shit man I’m a real journalist.
You’re a grown man put on some overalls and a fedora like an adult Aspecticor.