Author: Cartwheel

  • The Aspecticor Times Mini #111: The Mountain

  • I Had A Wonderful Meal In Japan. Why Was Everyone So Fucking Weird About It?

    I Had A Wonderful Meal In Japan. Why Was Everyone So Fucking Weird About It?

    On my trip to Japan some time ago, this totally boring tour guide (don’t even remember his name, he’s some college student) told us about a restaurant we were passing. Me, totally hungry as pie and encouraged by some beckoning staff, decided to go in before he could even finish telling us the details, abandoning the tour group.

    When I entered, this older woman, maybe in her 50’s or something, was my hostess. I’m taken to my seat in this sort of secluded area, and am given the menu by this young woman. There isn’t much on the menu, but everything is ¥10,000, which is crazy for just one meal. It doesn’t even look that fancy here!

    I take the risk, though, and decide that I’ve already lost the tour guide, and might as well buy it.

    Well guess my surprise when this lady keeps trying to get me to this SEPERATE room and tries to get touchy. NO THANKS, LADY! Unprofessional. Imagine if her employer found out she was doing this.

    I think she got the hint cause she stared at me confused for a few minutes and went back to the hostess while I returned to my meal.

    It was this delicious pork noodle soup, best I’ve ever had! It was a little hard to eat with all the staff looking at me puzzled (was it my “KILL ALL GOLFERS” jacket?) but I finished it within 30 minutes and left.

    By luck, my tour group seemed to had circled back and everyone was staring at me like I insulted their mother! I get that abandoning the tour was maybe rude, but the food was good! They need to train their employees to not be so weird, though.

  • The Aspecticor Times Midi #2: Pilot

  • The Aspecticor Times Mini #110: Illinois

  • The Aspecticor Times Midi #1: Vows

  • Aspecticor Times Internal Memo: 50 Employees to be Laid Off, Eaten

    Aspecticor Times Internal Memo: 50 Employees to be Laid Off, Eaten

    Due to the economic turmoil following Aspecticor’s 2-week 3-week long break, we’ve had to make the painful decision to lay off 50 of our fantastic staff members, and eat their bodies for sustenance.

    While Aspecticor received medals and grants from the Japanese government, our employees have had no material to write news about. You may rightfully mention that we could have reported what happened in Japan, but unfortunately the government has an airtight media embargo on the subtly titled ‘Operation Canadian Propaganda.’

    As a form of emotional retaliation, we will name every employee that will be laid off, then killed and eaten:

    1. Jason Alexander (no relation), Editorial Contributor
    2. Jason Alexander (no relation, again), News Contributor
    3. Madison Baseball, News Contributor
    4. Sunny D. Obama, News Contributor
    5. Sir Mise, Editorial Contributor
    6. Jawn Arbuckle, Cartoonist
    7. Jason Alexander (yes relation), Janitor
    8. B. J. NoVaxx, “Writer”
    9. Squeex, Unpaid Intern
    10. Mononym Just-Kidding, Political Analyst
    11. Adam M’kay, Hollywood Correspondent
    12. Kony Soprano, Natural Gas Merchant
    13. Andrew Cane’s Will, Cafeteria Officer
    14. Alexander Pendleton, Lobbyist
    15. Tobias Rieper, Professional Drummer
    16. Merriam Webster, Sports Correspondent
    17. Donald Trump, $45 Million Dollar Settlement So We Still Have Press Access To The White House
    18. Kleenex Xerox, Trademark Protection Lawyer
    19. Chris Hansen, Pizza Taste Tester
    20. O. Canada, Australian Correspondent
    21. Sasha Malia, Human Resources Director
    22. Pierre Poilievre, Chief Pizza Artist
    23. Ryan Letourneau, Ship Captain
    24. Prezoh, Standards & Practices Director
    25. Andrew O’Will, Irish Aspecticor
    26. Garry Mod, Source & Citations Director
    27. West Eddy Montonmall, Bowling Correspondent
    28. Harry Innuendo-Surname, Jokester
    29. Bony Cawk, woah, sorry, I meant Tony Hawk, so sorry, Skateboarding Expert. Again, real sorry about that one.
    30. Homophobia Johnson, Paid Intern
    31. Doctor Pepper, Woman
    32. Tate McRae, Team USA Olympics Correspondent
    33. Mama Liz, Chili Oil Expert
    34. Ghost Deadguy, Alive Guy
    35. Jen N. Berry, Conservative Ice Cream Expert
    36. Sir Valence, Employee Monitor
    37. Justin Trudeau, Boxing Correspondent
    38. Jerry Seinfeld, Bee
    39. Michael Meta, Correspondent Correspondent
    40. Danielle Smith, Honorary American
    41. Sammy Colon, General Editor
    42. Five Nights at-Freddy, Christian Expert
    43. Jeremy Elbertson, Big Fan
    44. Isto Inc., Union Leader
    45. Mounty Mole, Advice Columnist
    46. Jeromy Farkas, Bribe Money
    47. Manwithausername, Crossword Contributor
    48. J. Cole, Legacy Buff Provider
    49. Ted of TEDx fame, Spirit of Aspecticor
    50. Cartwheel76, *gulp* M-m… ME?! *tugs shirt*

  • The Aspecticor Times Mini #109: Place, Japan

  • Here’s How Aspecticor Can Still Win

    Here’s How Aspecticor Can Still Win

    Nominations ended in November, and the award ceremony happened in December, but that does not mean the show is over.

    If we “remove” enough of the competition, perhaps the award will be given retroactively to other people enough times the Golden Peepo will land in Aspecticor’s hands. We just have to hope the line of succession isn’t too long.

    Looking back at the winners and nominees for Speedrun Streamer of the Year does make me feel a little bad, unfortunately the winner of Hidden Gem is a nice older woman who does puzzles. Kind of fucked up, Aspecticor, to endorse this article under this context?

  • The Aspecticor Times Mini #108: Egg On

  • The Aspecticor Times Mini #107: Good Friday