Author: Cartwheel

Two long years after his disappearance, the ex-cop’s remains have been confirmed via DNA analysis to be the body found in the Saskatchewan lake last month.

Authorities have not made a statement on if foul play is suspected in his death.

The former Saskatoon officer was fired after passing out drunk in a Burger Shot drive-thru before momentarily moving to Los Santos, where he caught a felony charge.

Vancouver investigators in a press briefing this morning finally sent a request to the public for information on the viral Full Indie Summit disruptor.

Bluesky users early in the convention reported a “pale-skinned, red-haired” man absolutely “conked out like Sleeping Beuaty [sic]” during Strange Scaffold Creative Director Xalavier Nelson Jr’s talk. When woken up he claimed “there’s been a lot of presentations today” despite it being the first talk of the event.

Hours later following the event’s lunch break, the man was seen bursting with rage at Innersloth and Outersloth Communications Director Victoria Tran’s presentation “The Juice: Why These Games Got Signed.” The man, allegedly in tears, was yelling “I HAD juice already! I don’t WANT juice! No MORE! I want to go home!”

He was caught, following Friend Shaped Games Co-Founder Toby Murray’s talk “Acquire Brainrot: Marketing Your Game With Shorts,” trying to cut out the projector screen that had NorthernLion’s logo on it while mimicking bird calls.

When his first theft didn’t work, he stole a random attendee’s backpack that contained a laptop and camera and ran out of the Westin Bayshore event space.

The crowd yelled in shock, including an attendee named Stephen who shouted “I do NOT know that man! I have NO idea who this is!” as he exited the venue with him.

If you have any information about the man please contact the Vancouver Police Department, The Westin Bayshore, or Full Indie.

On a September 16th stream, Aspecticor responded to a chatter saying “shouldn’t you be on the greens hitting birds?” with the earth-shattering revelation:

“No, my golf hyperfixation is gone.”

This sent shockwaves through the Calgary golf scene. Clubs across the metropolitan area closed early to organize.

“I only care about getting world records and furthering my career” the livestreamer said, only making things worse.

Chris, 35, a regular at Glizzy’s Indoor Golf, announced on social media he’d begin a hunger strike until Aspecticor “hits one of them balls like Le Chiffre.”

Chris, 33, chairman of the Patriot Golfing Association, currently facing litigation from PGA Tour for trademark infringement, said in a statement:

“We patriots are obviously against the Islamic invasion of Canada, but I watched that one episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry had a “fatwa” placed on him, whatever that word means. I thought that’s actually not a bad idea. We are going to do that for Aspecticor. I never actually watched that whole episode, only the 45 seconds from a Facebook Reel.”

Chris, the 33 year old not the 35 year old, admitted that he was too busy to actually do anything to harm Aspecticor, as he’s been travelling to nearby provinces to gather polling volunteers for the Alberta referendum.

The Streamer Awards, the premier awards program from QTCinderella, has opened the floor for viewer-submitted nominations for this year’s awards show.

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