On Saturday, I was delivering for Uber Eats to pay for my ongoing Canadian pilgrimage and when I got to the place guess who I saw. Aspecticor! He gratefully took the party’s seven bags of Hooters wings and I asked if I could give a quick interview for the Times!
The Interview:
Your friend, Stephen, finished a big project of his with Atrioc in late 2024, how was it seeing that come to fruition?
Aspecticor: Yeah! I’m quite proud of what “Big A” and Stephen Miller were able to do in that election, it was beautiful.
What was your favorite Canadian film of 2025?
Aspecticor: That clip where Pierre Poilievre said he “would be gagged” if he got security clearance but it sounded like he “would be gay.”
Haha, no, but seriously.
Aspecticor: I’m not saying ‘Nirvanna The Band The Show The Movie,’ which you have been talking about far too much in chat. Yes, I am aware the film is streaming on Crave on July 1 for Canadians, and also on Hulu/Disney Plus July 24 for the U.S and Canada as well. Please stop talking about it.
Some in chat have asked, would you consider yourself a “30/70” bisexual?
Aspecticor: Yes, 30-70 is my age range on the apps.
Letterboxd Top 4?
Aspecticor: ‘The Other Guys,’ The first 35 minutes of ‘Food Inc.’ we watched in class before the bell rang, ‘Ricky Gervais: Mortality,’ and the Zapruder film.
You’re a lot taller than I thought you were?
Aspecticor: I got the surgery.
Any games you’d like to speedrun on stream?
Aspecticor: HuniePop, the ‘127 Hours’ DVD menu, fuck you want me to say, man? Can we speedrun this interaction? The weight of these Hooters bags is making my fingers hurt.
Favorite Canadian PM?
Aspecticor: It’s spelt “Favourite” you fucking yank’.
Sorry, haha, sorry to center America too much, haha.
Aspecticor: Are you trying to die tonight? Seriously. It’s “centre.” I will fucking kill you. I’ll do it.
Wow, really sorry, I won’t do it again.
Aspecticor, completely stone-faced: Have you ever shot a gun, boy? One would think some Texas meat like you would’ve. You’ve never taken the life of a creature before, I can tell by your prey eyes. And those weak, boyish hands. You know what?
*Aspecticor hands me a handgun*
Aspecticor: See that deer in the neighbour’s yard over there? Shoot at it.
What?
Aspecticor: ARE YOU FUCKING DEAF?
I really don’t- I really don’t want to-
Aspecticor: DO IT! BE SOMETHING! PUSSY! YOUR FATHER WAS RIGHT ABOU-
*I shoot the gun blindly, dumping the entire extended magazine to the right of me
Aspecticor stares to his left blankly, this silence confuses me. I open my eyes and look towards the direction I fired.
The deer is gone, in its place is another Uber Eats driver, carrying an additional seven bags of Hooters chicken wings. He lays still on the lawn, blood pooling on the back of his white t-shirt.*
Aspecticor: Yeah they don’t let you order that much on the app so we had three people here make separate orders.