Following the worldwide-celebrated announcement of Sérum d’Aspect, an Aspecticor Times truck turned over in the middle of the road while trying to veer into a deer.
Police say they tried desperately to save the fragrance bottles, but ambulances blocked salvation efforts by wheeling out injured and deceased motorists.
A vigil will be had for the lost product in the streets of Ottawa, Kansas.
A collaboration between The Aspecticor Times and the chemical engineers at Kraft Heinz, we are happy to announce our new fragrance Sérum d’Aspect.
With base notes of freshly trimmed golf course grass, middle notes of steamed tortellini, and top notes of just straight Albertan oil, Sérum d’Aspect is a true revolution of olfactory design.
Sérum d’Aspect releases exclusively in all Canadian Tire locations on September 11, 2026.
THIS WAS WRITTEN BEFORE THE MV HONDIUS HANTAVIRUS OUTBREAK WAS WIDESPREAD NATIONAL NEWS
Total panic swept the room as Health Canada officials, some in tears, reported “the worst news [they] could ever bring.”
A representative for Health Canada came to the podium to apologize:
We cannot risk having high ranking government officials outside during this cautionary period, which is why Minister of Health Marjorie Michel will not appear today, despite flying into Calgary earlier today.
Another official, Gary Lance-Couteaux, famous for his Anti-Knife Throwing awareness campaign, came to the podium:
The only way for a human to have contracted this disease is for someone who was in Japan to have eaten, or be near someone who had eaten, fugu fish all fucked up. To be clear, this is not the fault of the cooks of the fugu fish, only the eater, who clearly ate it all fucked up and weird.
Pierre Poilievre, the only Parliament member allowed to be in public, approached the stand in a full hazmat suit:
You’ve doomed us. Whoever you are, you’ve doomed us all. I’ll never get to see my kids grow up. I hate you. We all hate you.
The remaining uninfected military and police force are pooling all their forces into finding and killing Patient Zero. A Requiem of sorts.
Due to the economic turmoil following Aspecticor’s 2-week 3-week long break, we’ve had to make the painful decision to lay off 50 of our fantastic staff members, and eat their bodies for sustenance.
While Aspecticor received medals and grants from the Japanese government, our employees have had no material to write news about. You may rightfully mention that we could have reported what happened in Japan, but unfortunately the government has an airtight media embargo on the subtly titled ‘Operation Canadian Propaganda.’
As a form of emotional retaliation, we will name every employee that will be laid off, then killed and eaten:
Livestream “star” Andrew “Aspecticor” Will is tapped to play the ‘Austin Powers’ and ‘Shrek’ star in a yet untitled biopic directed by Will Arnett in his feature film directorial debut. Or do I mean Will Forte? I keep confusing those two…
The film will focus on Myers’ time as a young up-and-coming comic in Canada.
This may be an explanation as to why Will was arrested in February for crimes related to harassment of a German couple in Calgary, where he reported shouted “like Sprockets! The Mike Myers SNL sketch! Oooohhhhhh Will’s gonna love this! Did you know I’m on a first name basis with Will Arnett, or Forte, one of those two!?”
With a script by… uh… Max Landis… woah that took a dive really quickly. I’m sorry that took me really by surprise. This is our Trans Day of Visibility article? Christ.
Well, the logline reads:
Following the rough failure of Queen’s University’s Rocket League B-Team early in the season, forensic pathologist Bennet Omalu (Smith) takes it upon himself to declare the entire team brain-dead, despite them clearly being alive.
Well that certainly looks the part of a Landis work. Sorry, everyone.
Hey, everyone, this has very little to do with Aspecticor but I saw this on my feed and it really bothered me so I thought I’d do the least I could and inform you site-goers about this.
On Monday, the 23rd at 3:30 AM, CCTV footage from Alberta Children’s Hospital showed a white male between 5′ 4″ and 5′ 8″ in a blue and beige splotchy sweatshirt with text on the front shatter a window, and climb in. Shortly after a similar figure would be seen exiting the premises in an ambulance parked there hours earlier.
The only witness, the 12-year old brother of a patient, says he witnessed a “red-haired man sing a song about putting lights on a tree” and another about “working on night moves.” He noted the sweatshirt said “HIMBO” on it, in big letters. “This seems antithetical,” said the boy, shortly before bursting into tears, “Himbos don’t do that!”
Alberta Police claim the sweatshirt in question was not purchased by many people from the storefront it originated from, hopefully making the search easier.
The ambulance is to date still missing.
UPDATE: Nevermind lol
Crossword outsourcing has officially gone too far.
Before The Aspecticor Times Mini Crossword crosses the #100 mark and moves into a new era, livestreamer Aspecticor has attached himself to write the 100th mini crossword published by The Aspecticor Times.
Aspecticor’s representative agency, known for representing figures such as Kyle Rittenhouse and Jimmy Carr, announced the deal this week following his successful Hitman Freelancer Silent Assassin run. They capped their press release off with a cross-promotion, unrelated to Aspecticor:
Amazon Prime Video’s ‘LOL: Last One Laughing’ has returned for Series Two. Hosted by Jimmy Carr and Roisin Conaty, the show follows ten comedians in a last-man-standing Try Not To Laugh challenge for the ages. The first contestant to laugh is killed. Let’s hope it’s not David Mitchell!
When reached for comment, Jimmy Carr denied involvement with Aspecticor and his agency, but confirmed he was working with Rittenhouse.