Due to the economic turmoil following Aspecticor’s 2-week 3-week long break, we’ve had to make the painful decision to lay off 50 of our fantastic staff members, and eat their bodies for sustenance.
While Aspecticor received medals and grants from the Japanese government, our employees have had no material to write news about. You may rightfully mention that we could have reported what happened in Japan, but unfortunately the government has an airtight media embargo on the subtly titled ‘Operation Canadian Propaganda.’
As a form of emotional retaliation, we will name every employee that will be laid off, then killed and eaten:
- Jason Alexander (no relation), Editorial Contributor
- Jason Alexander (no relation, again), News Contributor
- Madison Baseball, News Contributor
- Sunny D. Obama, News Contributor
- Sir Mise, Editorial Contributor
- Jawn Arbuckle, Cartoonist
- Jason Alexander (yes relation), Janitor
- B. J. NoVaxx, “Writer”
- Squeex, Unpaid Intern
- Mononym Just-Kidding, Political Analyst
- Adam M’kay, Hollywood Correspondent
- Kony Soprano, Natural Gas Merchant
- Andrew Cane’s Will, Cafeteria Officer
- Alexander Pendleton, Lobbyist
- Tobias Rieper, Professional Drummer
- Merriam Webster, Sports Correspondent
- Donald Trump, $45 Million Dollar Settlement So We Still Have Press Access To The White House
- Kleenex Xerox, Trademark Protection Lawyer
- Chris Hansen, Pizza Taste Tester
- O. Canada, Australian Correspondent
- Sasha Malia, Human Resources Director
- Pierre Poilievre, Chief Pizza Artist
- Ryan Letourneau, Ship Captain
- Prezoh, Standards & Practices Director
- Andrew O’Will, Irish Aspecticor
- Garry Mod, Source & Citations Director
- West Eddy Montonmall, Bowling Correspondent
- Harry Innuendo-Surname, Jokester
- Bony Cawk, woah, sorry, I meant Tony Hawk, so sorry, Skateboarding Expert. Again, real sorry about that one.
- Homophobia Johnson, Paid Intern
- Doctor Pepper, Woman
- Tate McRae, Team USA Olympics Correspondent
- Mama Liz, Chili Oil Expert
- Ghost Deadguy, Alive Guy
- Jen N. Berry, Conservative Ice Cream Expert
- Sir Valence, Employee Monitor
- Justin Trudeau, Boxing Correspondent
- Jerry Seinfeld, Bee
- Michael Meta, Correspondent Correspondent
- Danielle Smith, Honorary American
- Sammy Colon, General Editor
- Five Nights at-Freddy, Christian Expert
- Jeremy Elbertson, Big Fan
- Isto Inc., Union Leader
- Mounty Mole, Advice Columnist
- Jeromy Farkas, Bribe Money
- Manwithausername, Crossword Contributor
- J. Cole, Legacy Buff Provider
- Ted of TEDx fame, Spirit of Aspecticor
- Cartwheel76, *gulp* M-m… ME?! *tugs shirt*