THIS WAS WRITTEN BEFORE THE MV HONDIUS HANTAVIRUS OUTBREAK WAS WIDESPREAD NATIONAL NEWS
Total panic swept the room as Health Canada officials, some in tears, reported “the worst news [they] could ever bring.”
A representative for Health Canada came to the podium to apologize:
We cannot risk having high ranking government officials outside during this cautionary period, which is why Minister of Health Marjorie Michel will not appear today, despite flying into Calgary earlier today.
Another official, Gary Lance-Couteaux, famous for his Anti-Knife Throwing awareness campaign, came to the podium:
The only way for a human to have contracted this disease is for someone who was in Japan to have eaten, or be near someone who had eaten, fugu fish all fucked up. To be clear, this is not the fault of the cooks of the fugu fish, only the eater, who clearly ate it all fucked up and weird.
Pierre Poilievre, the only Parliament member allowed to be in public, approached the stand in a full hazmat suit:
You’ve doomed us. Whoever you are, you’ve doomed us all. I’ll never get to see my kids grow up. I hate you. We all hate you.
The remaining uninfected military and police force are pooling all their forces into finding and killing Patient Zero. A Requiem of sorts.