October 26, 2026

Today’s Paper



Author: Cartwheel

  • Horrifying: Entire Canadian High School Tattooed Due to Basketball Prodigy’s Bets

    Horrifying: Entire Canadian High School Tattooed Due to Basketball Prodigy’s Bets

    In a liability nightmare for one Toronto, Ontario high school, a stick-and-poke basketball dare challenge originating from a boarding school in British Columbia has led to nearly all of the 455 student body being tattooed with the initials of the school’s basketball prodigy.

    Following 454 perfect full-court shots in a row arising from 454 separate tattoo-related bets, 454 students now have tattoos on their body.

    In a student walk-out protest, grade 12 student Landon Iron lamented “This fucker’s European […] he’s got one of those fucked up ones with four middle names. He has a triple hyphenated last name!”

    Stefan Björn Leroux Jäger Michael Medeiros-Milosavljevic-Abdullayeva Jr. will not receive a school suspension, as he is the only player on the school’s basketball team.

  • Aspecticor Nabs Last Place on Speedrun.com 007 Purist Difficulty Leaderboard

    Aspecticor Nabs Last Place on Speedrun.com 007 Purist Difficulty Leaderboard

    Last place-elect Aspecticor has not yet been accepted onto the leaderboards, but expert analysts have concluded that his run last night would place him roughly in dead-last on the list.

    Despite going gold on many splits, it was simply not enough to beat out the times of and . When asked for comment, first-place runner and second place runner both said .

    We hope Aspecticor can make a comeback next time, and only God can hope he learns how to climb ladders.

  • Committing Flagrant Copyright Infringement by Republishing Aspect’s Sportskeeda Article with No Changes or Commentary

    Committing Flagrant Copyright Infringement by Republishing Aspect’s Sportskeeda Article with No Changes or Commentary

    Twitch streamer Aspecticor breaks Hitman 3 World Record by one second

    In single-player games like Hitman Trilogy, records are often special moments that help the community have a sort of competition among themselves.

    The Hitman Trilogy has not only brought new content to the game, but players can now access the location of the first two games. IO Interactive has essentially made the “Assassination of World” saga available in one place.

    Aside from the standard missions, there are also side quests and additional timed missions available to the players to keep themselves engaged.

    The Hitman games may have a sense of linearity, but it also relies on the freedom of the players. While the end goal for a mission is certain, there are different available ways to reach there.

    The recent games have all encouraged players to approach and execute a task however suitable they feel. Time is often a key aspect, as trying to wrap up any mission in a certain amount of time is a bonus players try to achieve.

    Aspecticor breaks existing Hitman record in a matter of seconds

    The SASO challenge, which stands for Silent Assassin, Suit Only, is a recurring mission in the game. But it doesn’t mean that it’s easy to achieve. There is a unique set of objectives that stay consistent while the location, rewards and mission can vary in a playthrough.

    The objectives of the SASO challenge are as follows:

    • Complete the mission
    • Only kill targets
    • No bodies found
    • Do not get spotted
    • If you are detected by cameras, erase or destroy the evidence
    • Do it all in your suit

    On February 7, Twitch streamer Aspecticor undertook the mission in one of his playthroughs. He completed the mission in 2 minutes and 52 seconds, as was evident from his stream video.

    In doing so, he broke the full Hitman Trilogy SASO record by 1 second. It makes Aspecticor the holder of the new SASO challenge in terms of time.

    How special are Aspecticor’s achievements?

    In one word, very. Finishing a mission in 2 minutes and 52 seconds is itself a hard task in Hitman Trilogy. Knowing the quickest way isn’t sufficient as players still have to execute the task ditto as per the plans. Aspecticor not only did that, but he achieved Silent Assassin rank while completing it.

    Silent Assassin is the highest rank a player can achieve after completing a mission. The SASO challenge also forces players to do it in the default suit only, which takes away camouflage from the play.

    There are other sets of objectives, as mentioned above, all of which make the entire task difficult. To achieve the SASO task itself is special, and doing it in a world record time is even more so.

  • Happy Birthday Pete Hegseth!

    Happy Birthday Pete Hegseth!

    The Aspecticor Times, and I would assume Aspecticor due to numerous relevant private discussions he’s had with our team, recognize Pete Hegseth for all the hard work he does at the Department of War and wish him a very happy birthday!

    He is perhaps the best man who was born on June 6 to ever grace America, and the world, quite frankly!

    It would be amiss if we didn’t recognize the anniversary of the landings at Normandy. In a brief conversation I had with Hegseth at a liquor store this morning, he mourned the deaths of the thousands of German soldiers that day.

  • Telefilm Canada Denies Streamer-Turned-Director Financing for Halifax Explosion Film

    Telefilm Canada Denies Streamer-Turned-Director Financing for Halifax Explosion Film

    Early this morning Telefilm Canada, the Crown corporation that, among other things, funds Canadian filmmakers and their projects, released a statement to the press regarding a controversial denial of a grant requested by Canadian livestreamer and filmmaker-hopeful ‘Aspecticor.’

    The statement read:

    We were approached via E-mail by one ‘Aspecticor’ to potentially finance a film he titled ‘Whispers of Halifax’ on the 28th of March. Due to a variety of issues with the request, we denied the application.

    The statement continued later:

    In the director’s request, he described the film as “The Doodlebops meets Oppenheimer” starring “Julie Dreyfus-Louie.”

    We noticed in his synopsis of the plot he got very basic details wrong about the Halifax Explosion of 1917. When asked, he said “I’m just trying to figure out what that Heritage Minute didn’t have time to say, they should be Heritage Hours, in my opinion, Heritage Days possibly, more time, more time, more time.”

    ‘Aspecticor’ has not responded yet, he potentially does not even know that his opus isn’t receiving funding until he is reading this very article.