A collaboration between The Aspecticor Times and the chemical engineers at Kraft Heinz, we are happy to announce our new fragrance Sérum d’Aspect.
With base notes of freshly trimmed golf course grass, middle notes of steamed tortellini, and top notes of just straight Albertan oil, Sérum d’Aspect is a true revolution of olfactory design.
Sérum d’Aspect releases exclusively in all Canadian Tire locations on September 11, 2026.
THIS WAS WRITTEN BEFORE THE MV HONDIUS HANTAVIRUS OUTBREAK WAS WIDESPREAD NATIONAL NEWS
Total panic swept the room as Health Canada officials, some in tears, reported “the worst news [they] could ever bring.”
A representative for Health Canada came to the podium to apologize:
We cannot risk having high ranking government officials outside during this cautionary period, which is why Minister of Health Marjorie Michel will not appear today, despite flying into Calgary earlier today.
Another official, Gary Lance-Couteaux, famous for his Anti-Knife Throwing awareness campaign, came to the podium:
The only way for a human to have contracted this disease is for someone who was in Japan to have eaten, or be near someone who had eaten, fugu fish all fucked up. To be clear, this is not the fault of the cooks of the fugu fish, only the eater, who clearly ate it all fucked up and weird.
Pierre Poilievre, the only Parliament member allowed to be in public, approached the stand in a full hazmat suit:
You’ve doomed us. Whoever you are, you’ve doomed us all. I’ll never get to see my kids grow up. I hate you. We all hate you.
The remaining uninfected military and police force are pooling all their forces into finding and killing Patient Zero. A Requiem of sorts.
On my trip to Japan some time ago, this totally boring tour guide (don’t even remember his name, he’s some college student) told us about a restaurant we were passing. Me, totally hungry as pie and encouraged by some beckoning staff, decided to go in before he could even finish telling us the details, abandoning the tour group.
When I entered, this older woman, maybe in her 50’s or something, was my hostess. I’m taken to my seat in this sort of secluded area, and am given the menu by this young woman. There isn’t much on the menu, but everything is ¥10,000, which is crazy for just one meal. It doesn’t even look that fancy here!
I take the risk, though, and decide that I’ve already lost the tour guide, and might as well buy it.
Well guess my surprise when this lady keeps trying to get me to this SEPERATE room and tries to get touchy. NO THANKS, LADY! Unprofessional. Imagine if her employer found out she was doing this.
I think she got the hint cause she stared at me confused for a few minutes and went back to the hostess while I returned to my meal.
It was this delicious pork noodle soup, best I’ve ever had! It was a little hard to eat with all the staff looking at me puzzled (was it my “KILL ALL GOLFERS” jacket?) but I finished it within 30 minutes and left.
By luck, my tour group seemed to had circled back and everyone was staring at me like I insulted their mother! I get that abandoning the tour was maybe rude, but the food was good! They need to train their employees to not be so weird, though.
Due to the economic turmoil following Aspecticor’s 2-week 3-week long break, we’ve had to make the painful decision to lay off 50 of our fantastic staff members, and eat their bodies for sustenance.
While Aspecticor received medals and grants from the Japanese government, our employees have had no material to write news about. You may rightfully mention that we could have reported what happened in Japan, but unfortunately the government has an airtight media embargo on the subtly titled ‘Operation Canadian Propaganda.’
As a form of emotional retaliation, we will name every employee that will be laid off, then killed and eaten: