Category: News

(NOT FOR PUBLISHING UNTIL DEATH HAS BEEN THOROUGHLY CONFIRMED)

The ‘Glizzy Conscience’ and ‘How Speedrunners Broke Meet Your Maker’ star Andrew JNCO-JEANS Wells, known online by his gamertag “Aspecticor” has been pronounced dead by the Canadian Ministry of (WHATEVER LIKELY-NON MEDICAL BRANCH OF GOVERNMENT RECONSTRUCTS HIS BODY).

The livestreamer and videogamer was beloved for his various impressions, including of ‘Soprano’ characters, movie stars, and the Chinese.

He will be laid to rest at, as his public will dictates, “the Shaganappi Golf Course, or as I like to call it the “Shaggalicous Baby!” Course. Hey, can the guy who was in that one Austin Powers movie and made Outer Wilds come to my funeral? Oh wait, yeah, sorry I forgot I wrote 3 pages ago I didn’t want a funeral, I want a “FUNeral.” We party here what can I say? I was serious about the weed thing if I hear that you didn’t bring that good loud to my burial I’m killing Christ in heaven. I’ll fuck this whole system up, boy. Hey does anyone want to come to my funeral, oh I FORGOT, you CAN’T. You can’t come to my funeral because […]”

He recites that woman’s video for several more pages, getting things slightly more wrong every iteration.

When reached for comment, former friend and Department of Transportation Secretary Brandon Ewing said “he came to my house one time wearing that one color-block sweatshirt Jarvis Johnson made and kept asking me to facetime him and got really mad at me when I didn’t.”

New streamer- sorry, long-time streamer Aspecticor has struck gold after being invited to an illustrious group lobby in the hide-and-seek smash hit ‘Meccha Chameleon.’

Participating streamers include former Overwatch pro xQc, political commentator Destiny, world famous comedian Dane Cook, YouTube guru Jay Alto, Daily Wire co-founder Ben Shapiro, that guy from Bob’s Burgers who was at January 6, Joe Keery’s character in ‘Spree’ (2020), that one guy who dropped the f-slur on Kai Cenat’s stream, ‘Never Come Down’ singer Jay McCarrol, and more mystery guests! (Let’s just say one of them is quite *disrespectful*)

The lobby is set for July 2nd, “to mourn the anniversary of the passing of the Civil Rights Act and the Voting Rights Act into law” said participant Shapiro.

In a dramatic multi-unit siege on a Calgary dentist office just this morning, heaps of evidence were discovered in a newly burst open lab grown gum-burger scandal, the third to hit Alberta this year.

Mountains of documents, equipment, stolen gum samples, and “gum-burgers” were seized by Calgary authorities.

Police are now trying to identify recent patients, whose records were burned before the raid, to alert them of what might have happened with their stolen gum tissue.

Police claimed the criminal dentists would “numb patients so they couldn’t tell their gums were being scraped for tissue.” They also made the observation that “patients’ mouths would be numb even hours later, so the victims couldn’t articulate what may have happened to them before the memory serum got to them.” They did not elaborate on what “memory serum” was.

The Calgary Police Service released many documents following the raid, including this one found under the office’s reception table:

I’ve seen a lot of people in chat and elsewhere confused on what the ‘MoonMoon Challenge’ is and asking about it, so I’ve written this little guide to make this a less daunting question to answer.

The MoonMoon Challenge’s rules are:

• Must use the Freelancer Variations mod.
• Must pick Silent Assassin prestige objectives when offered.
• You cannot kill any women, even if they are targets.
• You must pick a formal suit, none of that silly shit.
• Mini-map must be turned off. Haven’t trusted any of that malarky since Waze came around. As a police officer, it makes keeping our roads safe harder.
• You gotta follow and subscribe to all the social media links in the banner come onnnnnnn just do it already come onnnnnnnnnnnn.
• Turn off Ambrose in the Freelancer Variations json cause that shit sucks.
• Using the “Freelancer Items” Peacock plugin is punishable by 30 days in prison.
• We don’t fuck with that Collateral Explosion prestige shit.
• Every failed run you gotta earnestly respond to a porn bot’s DM.
• You have to speak in the local accent of whatever map you are playing. I don’t make the rules! Sorry!
• You have to play on Stadia.
• Oyunu Türkçe oynamalısınız.
• You are not allowed to sing, or even acknowledge the works of Steely Dan or Donald F*gen.
• You have to actually pay attention and appreciate Diana’s dialogue, asshole.

Hope this helps!

In a liability nightmare for one Toronto, Ontario high school, a stick-and-poke basketball dare challenge originating from a boarding school in British Columbia has led to nearly all of the 455 student body being tattooed with the initials of the school’s basketball prodigy.

Following 454 perfect full-court shots in a row arising from 454 separate tattoo-related bets, 454 students now have tattoos on their body.

In a student walk-out protest, grade 12 student Landon Iron lamented “This fucker’s European […] he’s got one of those fucked up ones with four middle names. He has a triple hyphenated last name!”

Stefan Björn Leroux Jäger Michael Medeiros-Milosavljevic-Abdullayeva Jr. will not receive a school suspension, as he is the only player on the school’s basketball team.

Last place-elect Aspecticor has not yet been accepted onto the leaderboards, but expert analysts have concluded that his run last night would place him roughly in dead-last on the list.

Despite going gold on many splits, it was simply not enough to beat out the times of and . When asked for comment, first-place runner and second place runner both said .

We hope Aspecticor can make a comeback next time, and only God can hope he learns how to climb ladders.

Twitch streamer Aspecticor breaks Hitman 3 World Record by one second

In single-player games like Hitman Trilogy, records are often special moments that help the community have a sort of competition among themselves.

The Hitman Trilogy has not only brought new content to the game, but players can now access the location of the first two games. IO Interactive has essentially made the “Assassination of World” saga available in one place.

Aside from the standard missions, there are also side quests and additional timed missions available to the players to keep themselves engaged.

The Hitman games may have a sense of linearity, but it also relies on the freedom of the players. While the end goal for a mission is certain, there are different available ways to reach there.

The recent games have all encouraged players to approach and execute a task however suitable they feel. Time is often a key aspect, as trying to wrap up any mission in a certain amount of time is a bonus players try to achieve.

Aspecticor breaks existing Hitman record in a matter of seconds

The SASO challenge, which stands for Silent Assassin, Suit Only, is a recurring mission in the game. But it doesn’t mean that it’s easy to achieve. There is a unique set of objectives that stay consistent while the location, rewards and mission can vary in a playthrough.

The objectives of the SASO challenge are as follows:

• Complete the mission
• Only kill targets
• No bodies found
• Do not get spotted
• If you are detected by cameras, erase or destroy the evidence
• Do it all in your suit

On February 7, Twitch streamer Aspecticor undertook the mission in one of his playthroughs. He completed the mission in 2 minutes and 52 seconds, as was evident from his stream video.

In doing so, he broke the full Hitman Trilogy SASO record by 1 second. It makes Aspecticor the holder of the new SASO challenge in terms of time.

How special are Aspecticor’s achievements?

In one word, very. Finishing a mission in 2 minutes and 52 seconds is itself a hard task in Hitman Trilogy. Knowing the quickest way isn’t sufficient as players still have to execute the task ditto as per the plans. Aspecticor not only did that, but he achieved Silent Assassin rank while completing it.

Silent Assassin is the highest rank a player can achieve after completing a mission. The SASO challenge also forces players to do it in the default suit only, which takes away camouflage from the play.

There are other sets of objectives, as mentioned above, all of which make the entire task difficult. To achieve the SASO task itself is special, and doing it in a world record time is even more so.

Early this morning Telefilm Canada, the Crown corporation that, among other things, funds Canadian filmmakers and their projects, released a statement to the press regarding a controversial denial of a grant requested by Canadian livestreamer and filmmaker-hopeful ‘Aspecticor.’

The statement read:

We were approached via E-mail by one ‘Aspecticor’ to potentially finance a film he titled ‘Whispers of Halifax’ on the 28th of March. Due to a variety of issues with the request, we denied the application.

The statement continued later:

In the director’s request, he described the film as “The Doodlebops meets Oppenheimer” starring “Julie Dreyfus-Louie.”

We noticed in his synopsis of the plot he got very basic details wrong about the Halifax Explosion of 1917. When asked, he said “I’m just trying to figure out what that Heritage Minute didn’t have time to say, they should be Heritage Hours, in my opinion, Heritage Days possibly, more time, more time, more time.”

‘Aspecticor’ has not responded yet, he potentially does not even know that his opus isn’t receiving funding until he is reading this very article.

The boiling scandals Maine Democrats have faced are yet again bubbling higher. After revelations of Democrat Senate candidate Graham Platner’s nazi-affiliated tattoo and instances of unfaithfulness early in his marriage, it’s been discovered by opposition researchers that the ex-Marine and oyster farmer watched Canadian ‘Twitch’ livestreamer “Aspecticor” between 2022 and 2024, the worst news for his campaign yet.

As an active chatter, Platner would often send messages circa 2022 like “you can kill the target with the propane right there” and “do you know when marketing monday is?”

This may spell disaster for his campaign, as previous supporters are pulling away due to Platner’s perceived support for “Albertan ideology.”