Category: Opinion

On Saturday, I was delivering for Uber Eats to pay for my ongoing Canadian pilgrimage and when I got to the place guess who I saw. Aspecticor! He gratefully took the party’s seven bags of Hooters wings and I asked if I could give a quick interview for the Times!

The Interview:

Your friend, Stephen, finished a big project of his with Atrioc in late 2024, how was it seeing that come to fruition?

Aspecticor: Yeah! I’m quite proud of what “Big A” and Stephen Miller were able to do in that election, it was beautiful.

What was your favorite Canadian film of 2025?

Aspecticor: That clip where Pierre Poilievre said he “would be gagged” if he got security clearance but it sounded like he “would be gay.”

Haha, no, but seriously.

Aspecticor: I’m not saying ‘Nirvanna The Band The Show The Movie,’ which you have been talking about far too much in chat. Yes, I am aware the film is streaming on Crave on July 1 for Canadians, and also on Hulu/Disney Plus July 24 for the U.S and Canada as well. Please stop talking about it.

Some in chat have asked, would you consider yourself a “30/70” bisexual?

Aspecticor: Yes, 30-70 is my age range on the apps.

Letterboxd Top 4?

Aspecticor: ‘The Other Guys,’ The first 35 minutes of ‘Food Inc.’ we watched in class before the bell rang, ‘Ricky Gervais: Mortality,’ and the Zapruder film.

You’re a lot taller than I thought you were?

Aspecticor: I got the surgery.

Any games you’d like to speedrun on stream?

Aspecticor: HuniePop, the ‘127 Hours’ DVD menu, fuck you want me to say, man? Can we speedrun this interaction? The weight of these Hooters bags is making my fingers hurt.

Favorite Canadian PM?

Aspecticor: It’s spelt “Favourite” you fucking yank’.

Sorry, haha, sorry to center America too much, haha.

Aspecticor: Are you trying to die tonight? Seriously. It’s “centre.” I will fucking kill you. I’ll do it.

Wow, really sorry, I won’t do it again.

Aspecticor, completely stone-faced: Have you ever shot a gun, boy? One would think some Texas meat like you would’ve. You’ve never taken the life of a creature before, I can tell by your prey eyes. And those weak, boyish hands. You know what?

*Aspecticor hands me a handgun*

Aspecticor: See that deer in the neighbour’s yard over there? Shoot at it.

What?

Aspecticor: ARE YOU FUCKING DEAF?

I really don’t- I really don’t want to-

Aspecticor: DO IT! BE SOMETHING! PUSSY! YOUR FATHER WAS RIGHT ABOU-

*I shoot the gun blindly, dumping the entire extended magazine to the right of me

Aspecticor stares to his left blankly, this silence confuses me. I open my eyes and look towards the direction I fired.

The deer is gone, in its place is another Uber Eats driver, carrying an additional seven bags of Hooters chicken wings. He lays still on the lawn, blood pooling on the back of his white t-shirt.*

Aspecticor: Yeah they don’t let you order that much on the app so we had three people here make separate orders.

Over the past few years, I started collecting accusations from chatters and others of people that Aspecticor allegedly looks like. This list is not an endorsement of these claims, some I plainly do not see even a little bit, but if a man sees the devil in the eyes of a passerby, it’s good to record their suspicions anyways.

This is that list, and it will likely be updates in the future.

Cameron Monaghan (Ian Gallagher (Shameless), Cal Kestis (Star Wars Jedi), Jerome (Gotham), Etc.)

The classic.

Will Poulter (Kenny (We’re The Millers), Gally (Maze Runner))

I believe Aspecticor was originally accused of looking like “the kid with the eyebrows.”

Sid (Toy Story)

AspectiSid

Atreus (God of War)

Boy!

“Twink from The Quarry”

I forget who said this but I think it was another streamer?

Alfred E. Neuman (Mad Magazine)

I wish I could be as happy as Alfred E. Neuman.

Skeet Ulrich as Billy Loomis (Scream)

Eeeek!

Mickey Mantle

Oh my god I see it

Unidentified Man from Los Angeles Times January 6 Capitol Riots Footage (Antifa Hoax)

#WAKEUP

Tintin

Wait, that’s his actual name? You can be named that?

Cyclops (X-Men)

Maybe that door greeter was right…

Frank Honey (LEGO City Undercover)

1:1

Thing 1

Uncanny.

Thing 2

Even more uncanny.

CapgunTom

He does FIFA content.

Arctic Grayling

Like a mirror…

Guy Fawkes Mask

#WEAREANONYMOUS

Daryl Sabara (Juni Cortez in Spy Kids)

Does Meghan Trainor get cool spy gadgets?

Noel Fisher (Mickey Milkovich in Shameless)

TWO Shameless cast members?

Eddie Redmayne

ha. red mayne.

Clint Stevens (R.I.P.)

Why is he kinda mogging here

Tom Holland (Lucas in The Impossible, Jip in Dolittle)

Spider-man? huh? This is the guy from Spies in Disguise!

KJ Apa (Archie in Riverdale)

Jimmy Stewart, in the flesh.

Britt Lower as Helly (Severance)

When the innie of the of in the stream chat of in the outie in the game camera.

Jeff Blim as Aladdin (StarKid’s Twisted)

What nerd suggested this?

Manny (Ice Age)

Even got the 9 foot long tusks right!

Chad (Malcom In The Middle)

God-damnit it’s Cameron Monaghan again!!! Fuck!!!

Seth Green

More like Seth Kind-of-reddish

Sir Nigel Thornberry (The Wild Thornberrys)

Smashing!

Machop (Pokémon)

?

Knuckles (Knuckles)

From his favorite game! Sonic Adventure 2!

Mason Thames as Hiccup (How to Train Your Dragon)

Jay Baruchel clears idgaf

Thomas Barbusca

Sure.

Pat Riley

I do not even remotely see it.

Noah Poletiek as Twitch (Holes)

Holes #1 film of all time.

Todd Howard

I see it.

The Hamburglar (McDonald’s)

Now HE has that shit on.

Gossamer (Looney Tunes)

Fuck is this thing?

Syndrome (The Incredibles)

How is he shaped like that?

Aaron Tveit

More like Aaron Theatreit.

Magnus Midtbø

Why’d he cross out the o does he not want it there

Squeeky-Voiced Teen (The Simpsons)

Even got the skin right!

X.com user @bloodandleon

The word spreads.

MaxGGs

Fellow streamer.

Christopher (What Remains of Edith Finch)

You can’t see his face but you can tell.

Cole Caufield

Canadiens? Did they mispell it?

Isaac with this hair (Binding of Isaac)

Uncanny.

Cole Sprouse as Jughead (Riverdale)

“Who names their kid Jughead?” 45,000 likes, 13,000 retweets.

Leprechaun

This feels wrong.

Tim (Braid)

Independent games journalism would be NOTHING without him.

Reddit user u/Scrotiemcboogballs

Horrifying roast. Immoral really.

This guy Dgenerator noticed in a Hasan stream

I’m on this shit man I’m a real journalist.

Mullvad VPN

You’re a grown man put on some overalls and a fedora like an adult Aspecticor.

Like many livestreamers, Aspecticor is incapable of forming his own identity, so he must imitate others. (sometimes he even imitates other people’s imitations!)

Here is a list of origin videos of some Aspecticor stream impressions. Remember, many of these were likely taken from Northernlion.

(Only impressions that have specific origins are included, as great as his Lin-Manuel and Bernie are those aren’t hinged on specific clips.)

Ben Synthman’s Chris & Tony

Jeremy Culhane’s Tucker Carlson

Kevin Sanji’s Chris Hansen

Counter-Strike player ScreaM reacting to KQLY’s VAC Ban

The Duet Boomer’s “Mama Liz’s Chili Oil”

Tammy Hull’s Jasper County Rant

Frances Woodard’s uh. Whatever you call this.

skylarurdone’s Trumpkin Masterpiece

Denzel Washington as William “Whip” Whitaker Sr. in ‘Flight’

This list is not comprehensive and may be updated in the future.

(Back in my day this would’ve been a wiki article…)

The Aspecticor Times, and I would assume Aspecticor due to numerous relevant private discussions he’s had with our team, recognize Pete Hegseth for all the hard work he does at the Department of War and wish him a very happy birthday!

He is perhaps the best man who was born on June 6 to ever grace America, and the world, quite frankly!

It would be amiss if we didn’t recognize the anniversary of the landings at Normandy. In a brief conversation I had with Hegseth at a liquor store this morning, he mourned the deaths of the thousands of German soldiers that day.

After yesterday’s revelation of my pure unbridled power, and Aspecticor’s ignoring of The Aspecticor Times website, I have decided to destroy Aspecticor’s personal life.

My first idea is to flood every GIF keyboard service with disparaging animated images with the “Aspecticor” tag, as it was revealed on Tuesday that Aspecticor’s offline friends discovered the ones I’ve already added.

I could also of course use my channels of this website, TAT’s social media accounts, and our sister YouTube, to propagate slanderous information calibrated to be as relevant as I can get to his real life.

“Streamer Drunkenly Attacks Virtual Caddy at Indoor Golf Facility” might be a good start. Should I tag Glizzy Golf? Maybe “Man Arrested for Impersonating Spice Shop Employee?”

On my trip to Japan some time ago, this totally boring tour guide (don’t even remember his name, he’s some college student) told us about a restaurant we were passing. Me, totally hungry as pie and encouraged by some beckoning staff, decided to go in before he could even finish telling us the details, abandoning the tour group.

When I entered, this older woman, maybe in her 50’s or something, was my hostess. I’m taken to my seat in this sort of secluded area, and am given the menu by this young woman. There isn’t much on the menu, but everything is ¥10,000, which is crazy for just one meal. It doesn’t even look that fancy here!

I take the risk, though, and decide that I’ve already lost the tour guide, and might as well buy it.

Well guess my surprise when this lady keeps trying to get me to this SEPERATE room and tries to get touchy. NO THANKS, LADY! Unprofessional. Imagine if her employer found out she was doing this.

I think she got the hint cause she stared at me confused for a few minutes and went back to the hostess while I returned to my meal.

It was this delicious pork noodle soup, best I’ve ever had! It was a little hard to eat with all the staff looking at me puzzled (was it my “KILL ALL GOLFERS” jacket?) but I finished it within 30 minutes and left.

By luck, my tour group seemed to had circled back and everyone was staring at me like I insulted their mother! I get that abandoning the tour was maybe rude, but the food was good! They need to train their employees to not be so weird, though.

Nominations ended in November, and the award ceremony happened in December, but that does not mean the show is over.

If we “remove” enough of the competition, perhaps the award will be given retroactively to other people enough times the Golden Peepo will land in Aspecticor’s hands. We just have to hope the line of succession isn’t too long.

Looking back at the winners and nominees for Speedrun Streamer of the Year does make me feel a little bad, unfortunately the winner of Hidden Gem is a nice older woman who does puzzles. Kind of fucked up, Aspecticor, to endorse this article under this context?

Following the news, that we’re all well aware of, that Aspecticor will be shot with a high-dosage tranquilizer, I would like to point out all the rhetorical fallacies that the current Liberal Party government has made to justify their decision.

Appeal to Tradition

I know the Canadian government has shot that bitter night-night juice at a variety of citizens every year since 1982, but it is still wrong.

False Dilemma

No, Mr. Carney, we would not have to kill Aspecticor if we end the Tranq program, we shouldn’t be doing anything to Aspecticor.

Cum Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc

Can you say that?

Appeal to Carney

Honest I have a hard time with this too. The mandate of heaven is in your hands Mark.

Guilt by Association

Just because Aspecticor’s all buddy buddy with some folks at the Daily Wire does not mean he should be tranq’d.

Ad Hominem

Please stop calling me a “hacky crossword constructor” Carney. I’m crying now. Are you happy?

Cum Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc

Stop saying that. I don’t want to say it. Am I allowed to say this term?

Confirmation Bias

Just because a few other Tranq’d individuals were found by a bystander quick enough to not face long-term health problems, doesn’t mean Aspecticor won’t. Given his schedule he’s likely to be at home when it happens, Mr. Carney.

Columnist Cartwheel76, who has never played Blue Prince and has paid very little attention to Aspecticor’s gameplay, makes his case for why it’s not backseating, bro. I was just asking a question. Broooo you’re so sensitive. Brooooo XD.

Bro. Hold on. Red apple reversed is Elppa der. Try that. Aspecticor try that. @Aspecticor what is that flag behind you. Is it box number two? Bro your mods are so soft. I was just wondering. You should do hitman in real life. When is hitman horse. Do you mind if i go on a several messages long humorous diatribe about Sean Combs. Hitman in real life when. Wow hitman looks really different today. hey! can i ask a question? i’m an artist and i make emotes and design overlays, here’s my discord. when is hitman in real life.

Columnist Cartwheel76 compares Aspecticor’s use of the “Freelancer Items” Peacock Plugin to doping in professional sports.

DOES ANYONE know where to find the freelancer items mod

… wrote Aspecticor in the #hitman text channel in his Discord server.

One hour later, I, yes, me, I, myself, would forward the link for it. I knew what it was for, I knew his plans, and I still gave it to him.

I was the Emma O’Reilly to Aspecticor’s Lance Armstrong.

Is this my L.A. Confidentiel?

The Peacock plugin allows users to play Freelancer without having to grind for items. In fact, it allows you to not have to acquire items at all. You can lose items mid-run and return to them in your safehouse. This is a clear violation of gamer’s integrity, as any YouTube commenter will tell you.

It saves time? Sure. So does doping in the Tour de France. Does it make for a better viewer experience? Sure. I’m sure the Peter Thiel funded “Enhanced Games” will be a nice watch. Also, a bit funny this is coming from the same streamer who added a wheel spin that made him not talk for 10 minutes, the pinnacle of user retention.

Was it worth it? Stripping your integrity? Leaving yourself vulnerable to YouTube commenters? The latter of which is likely worse than any poisoning of the blood doping drugs can do to you.

A.B. Confidentiel comes to bookshelves in June, courtesy of La Martinière Publishing.