Soothsayer of the modern era Mounty Mole gives his wisdom in his first advice column. You can ask him for advice here.
Keeping a Stream Streak
Dear Mounty.
How should I deal with my anxiety about keeping up with the Aspecticor stream watch streak?
Dear Streaker.
At times it may seem hard to maintain the streak, but you need to remember that Andrew Will is just a guy, although he is a guy that streams (possible sub-human?). If you feel yourself getting overwhelmed or stressed over losing your streak, think: STI (Stream Time Importance). Aspecticor is a great streamer, some (me) would say the best, and he streams into the late hours of the night, so you have hours to check in for 5 minutes and maintain your streak. If getting to the stream isn’t plausible and you are truly feeling down then just remember, your streak truly doesn’t mean anything in the long run. If losing your streak means something deeply harming to you then that may be an issue with you; which I would recommend you get checked by a mental health specialist.
Slimy(?) Issues
Dear Mounty.
My father is a stinky, dookie, doo-doo poopyhead. He slimes everywhere and on everything he touches. He has not washed his brain in years! His stinky aura is killing my azaleas! How do I clean his stenchy soul? Please help! A neat freak in the sheets
Dear Neat Freak.
Gods if I know what ‘sliming on everything’ means but I sure can help! I personally would try and speak to my Father about the issues that his ‘slime’ causes and attempt to help him on how he can decrease his slimy-ness e.g: showering, bathing, washing hands, etc. As for the azaleas i would explain their value to him and try to stop him from going to close to them until his slimy issue is resolved. I would also alert the governments of the world that your father may have been taken over by one of the sentient sludge monster who live beyond the ice wall (see my podcast for more).
Eating Me For Dinner
Dear… Mounty…
This is Moe the Moblin… I… like… you… …Mo…unty… …so…much…that… …I…want…to… …eat you…for dinner. 🐽
Dear Moblin.
Moe, as I have said in the past, it is not a mutual feeling. Stop reaching out to me, I have blocked you on everything for a reason, if you do not stop I will file a restraining order.
Returning to Your Own World
Dear Mounty.
I am not of your world, and I need help returning to the cosmos so I may see the skies of my home once again. What do I do?!
Love, your resident Star-Shaped Interterrestial
Dear Interterrestial
Wow! Its seriously great to find out that even extra-terrestrial life wants MY advice, what I would say for you to do is:
First: Come to my home and get one of my spare tinfoil hats (listen to my podcast for more), the governments of the world are most likely already after you and you need to get out of their surveillance.
Second: Help me harvest some energy from the grid of the city to power my probe launcher.
Third: Hop in the probe launcher and ill blast you back to where ever you came from! With a hefty fee for my services obviously.
Why am I a Chud
Dear Mounty.
Why are you a chud?
Dear Accuser.
This is not an advice question and I will not dignify the accusation that I am a chud with a response, good day.
Stuck High In The Himalayans
Dear Mounty.
I am currently stranded on an isolated mountaintop in the farthest corners of the Himalayas. My Sherpa guide Lhakpa succumbed to the elements several moons ago, and while I hunger I have yet the strength and will to consume their flesh. I fear the knowledge that I will not escape this dreaded peak, but I can only pray for my soul to survive. With heavenly being should I pray to with my remaining hours of life to ensure my soul is saved while my flesh withers? Thanks!
Dear Stranded.
Thanks for reaching out! I personally have been in the same situation before and trust me, gorging on some of my buddies flesh was simply amazing. But if you don’t have the stomach nor the heart to devour they tasty body then personally I would pray to a God of my choice, I would recommend Allah as he has never done me any wrong and he’s the God of choice for the Republican mayor of New York City, Zohran Mamdani! I hope your soul achieves transcendence into a higher plane of existence.
Love, Mounty.